Picture this: Your playing partner misses a short putt, and without hesitation or forethought, you snap, “What’s wrong with you? You suck!” But you don’t stop there. As he steps onto the next tee, you continue the verbal assault—reminding him of his mistake, making sure he knows just how badly he messed up. Hole after hole, you keep at it, fueling his frustration and knocking his focus completely off track.
Sounds awful, right? No golfer would tolerate that kind of treatment from a partner.
But what if I told you that there was no playing partner? What if the person dishing out this relentless abusive reproach was the golfer himself?
We all have an inner dialogue, and far too often, it’s more critical and harsh than we would ever be toward another person. In fact, most of us talk to ourselves in ways we would never tolerate from a friend or teammate. This negative self-talk often stems from a fear of failure, negative social comparison, and a misguided belief that berating ourselves will lead to improvement. The truth is, as Henry Ford once said, “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right.”
Instead of attacking ourselves, what if we treated ourselves with compassion?
Dr. Kristin Neff, one of the world’s leading experts on self-compassion, has shown that talking to yourself with kindness, care, and understanding is not only more pleasant—it can also enhance performance. She identifies three key components of self-compassion: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. Let’s break them down with golf-specific examples:
1. Self-Kindness
Example: “Missing that putt was frustrating, and it didn’t go as planned, but that’s okay. Let’s reflect on the potential for change, and improve.”
Self-kindness involves being gentle with yourself when things go wrong. Instead of beating yourself up. The goal is to treat yourself with the same understanding you’d offer to a friend.
2. Common Humanity
Example: “Although it feels frustrating right now, even professional golfers make bad shots. I’m not alone in this.”
Remember, you're not the only one who struggles. Everyone misses putts, hits poor shots, or has disappointing rounds. Recognizing that imperfections are part of the human learning or growth experience helps you feel connected and supported rather than isolated or defeated.
3. Mindfulness
Example: “I’m feeling frustrated and thinking negatively, but these feelings will pass if I don’t dwell on them. I have made good shots before.”
Mindfulness involves observing your emotions without getting swept away by them. Acknowledge negative feelings as they arise, but don’t let them define your game or cloud your judgment.
So, the next time you’re out on the course, in a high-pressure business meeting, or facing a challenge in any aspect of life, consider a more self-compassionate approach. One simple strategy is to talk to yourself the way you would talk to a loved one—or the way they would talk to you.
Self-compassion doesn’t just make the journey more enjoyable; it’s a performance enhancer. By treating yourself with kindness, recognizing that mistakes are part of the process, and staying present with your emotions, you set yourself up for greater success—not just on the course, but in all areas of life.
Try monitoring your self-talk for an entire round or workday. What did you notice?
