In what has become my favorite scene in my favorite TV series, Ted Lasso, Ted hustles the antagonist in the episode in a game of darts while telling a prophetic story about being picked on as a child. In this story, he explains how he learned to let go of negative feedback from others who hadn’t even bothered to get to know him. While effortlessly defeating the bully, Ted shares the advice often misattributed to Walt Whitman: “Be Curious, Not judgmental.”
While it is phenomenal advice interpersonally (what could be bad about treating others with less judgment?), it is equally good personal advice (we often treat ourselves worse than we would ever treat another). When working with individuals and teams, I will ask if they talk to others as they do to themselves. After a few sheepish laughs, I often hear some version of, “Oh, heck no. I would never talk to anyone else like that!”
The question that begs answering is: when we are hesitant to allow others to treat us this way, why then, would we treat ourselves so poorly? (prioritizing curiosity over judgment) There are a myriad of answers to this question, but I often find that many of us truly believe belittling ourselves is the path to motivating ourselves and ultimately improving. There is one problem with that thought pattern or logic though: there is no research to suggest that this actually works. Instead, it appears to increase shame, halt progress, and in some cases, lead to anxiety and depression.
One antidote to this type of harsh, negative, self-judgment, is what Raymond Prior, author of Golf Beneath the Surface describes as “interest curiosity.” When engaging in this type of internal questioning, individuals can say to themselves in a moment of difficult emotion, “Hmm, How interesting I think _________ will __________, when what it really does is __________.” For example: “Hmm, How interesting that I think calling myself horrible names after not getting that promotion will encourage and motivate me to do better, when in fact all it really does is keep my frustration levels high and leaves me thinking about the past, not the present moment I have control over.”
Our judgment leads to fractured relationships with others and ourselves. Additionally, the abundance of judgment and the lack of curiosity negatively impact our performance athletically and professionally. If we truly engage more curiously and compassionately with ourselves and others we are far more likely to reach our goals and enjoy fruitful relationships along the way.
How has the way you have treated yourself impacted your performance?